


Love is the thing with feathers

by ArthurtheGatekeeper



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Feels, Alec Lightwood gives the best hugs, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternate Universe - Wings, Background Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode 1 - S2E10, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, POV Alec Lightwood, Protective Alec Lightwood, SO GODDAMN MUCH, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, The following are warnings for things that happen in canon and here, Wingfic, but only very quietly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:48:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26933134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArthurtheGatekeeper/pseuds/ArthurtheGatekeeper
Summary: He hated his wings. They were a reminder of how he’d shielded Izzy on her first mission instead of finishing the threat as he should have. A reminder of how soft and fragile Max had been in his arms when he was born.A reminder of what he would do for his parabatai. Laws be damned.The Law is hard, but it is the Law.For Nephilim the decent into hell is easy. For the winged it was even easier.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood, Clary Fray & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 3
Kudos: 233





	Love is the thing with feathers

It starts with a feather.

“Jace you can’t-“ He closed the door behind them and Jace turned heel towards him.

“Can’t what Alec? Fall in love?” He snagged the feather from his fingers and glared at him. “What are you going to turn me in?”

He should.

It wasn’t a law.

But he should.

“This behavior is exactly why the Clave keeps pairs separated and you know it. How many rules have you broken for her this _week_?” The answer outnumbered the days by an order of magnitude at least.

Love made people do stupid things. Like break rules. Like endanger lives.

Like burn the world down and rebuild it anew for their sake.

“She needs our help Alec and she’s our best chance of retrieving the mortal cup before Valentine and you know it.”

“What I know is that you are risking everything we’ve worked for a _stranger_.”

The anger and hurt and _fear_ rolling through their bond made him ill. He stepped back.

“Be more careful.” He ordered as he moved to the door. “I can’t stop the clave from transferring you if they find out.”

He wasn’t the head and probably wouldn’t ever head at this rate.

Jace called after him but he didn’t stop. Didn’t stop until there was a solid door between him and the world and wrapped himself in the soft down of his wings.

They weren’t a common feature among Nephilim. Genetics hadn’t cursed Izzy or Max them. And Michael Wayland – who he was not allowed to speak ill of- had broken Jace’s. He couldn’t fly. Even if he’d wanted to.

Bonding wouldn’t change that, just put Jace at risk. Risk of falling.

He hated them, even as he wrapped them tighter around himself. They were a reminder of how weak he was.

A reminder of how he’d shielded Izzy on her first mission instead of finishing the threat as he should have. A reminder of how soft and fragile Max had been in his arms when he was born.

A reminder of what he would do for his parabatai. Laws be damned.

The Law is hard, but it is the Law.

For Nephilim the decent into hell is easy. For the winged it was even easier.

The soft down of his mottled brown feathers were a constant reminder every failure his heart had lead him to.

There was nothing to do but accept the consequences.

“One more thing.” Magnus told them as they closed the door to let Clary draw the pentagram. “As a greater demon Valak is especially dangerous. I’ll be holding him back but additional protections would be wise.”

“Meaning?”

“Nephilim feathers.” They all inhaled sharply. “Ideally one for every link in the circle.”

“You think we’d let you touch our feathers?” Jace scowled. “Not happening.”

“Jace!”

“No Izzy I’m not letting him touch a piece of my soul!”

“We can do it with three but anyone linked without one will be at greater risk.” Magnus warned.

“It’s fine.” His safety was one thing but he wasn’t going to risk any of theirs. “How many do you have on you?” He asked Jace.

He looked chagrined. “One but Alec-“

He sighed. “Do you have a bathroom I can use?”

Magnus pointed the way, his eyes lingering, and he closed the door tight behind him. Removed his jacket and shirt before spreading them out in the overly large bathroom.

He closed his eyes and ignored the way his wings reflected in the large mirror.

Thought of the first time he’d held Max in his arms. Of Izzy at her Rune ceremony. Of Jace after-

Too many feathers.

They filled back out even as they fell. If they all fell out he’d lose the wings. Be a true Nephilim that wasn’t ruled by emotions. They filled in before he’d even had the chance to sweep them off the floor.

He tucked them in his jacket to dispose of later. Kept four out. Redressed.

Jace handed Clary his.

His teeth ground together. Passed his out.

He could feel their hands on his heart. Feel his soul wrap around theirs. It was almost like wrapping his wings around them.

Almost. But not quite.

He remembered sneaking into Izzy’s room when she was young. When she had nightmares. Curling his wings around her. Soothing Max when he was teething with the blanket of his wings. Tucking Jace into his side when he couldn’t breathe with the heartbreak of losing his father.

He did not like Micheal Wayland. He had damaged Jace’s wings.

Which was probably a good thing. Since they were a failing. But he hated him for it all the same.

Valak spiraled in his dark tornado. He could barely breathe. Valak’s mist burned at his lungs.

Clary and Izzy cried out as their joining feather twisted to ash.

“Izzy!” He cried out to her as Magnus ordered them “Don’t let go!” and Jace cursed his feathered flame.

His feathers, mottled brown, surged brighter in their other hands. “We’re fine!” Izzy assured. Clary promised “I won’t let go!”

He was lightheaded. His lung hurt. Throat burned. “The demon demands payment! A cherished memory of the one we love the most!”

Valak pushed against him. His hands nearly slipping. Jace and Magnus held firm.

Jace’s face flashed before him.

Fear and bile and copper filled his throat as he tore away from them.

Valak screamed as one of the discarded feathers embedded itself in him. As he and Izzy clung to Jace with all their might.

Then. It was dead.

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of Alec.”

Four feathers, still unburned, lay scattered on the floor.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He breathed shallowly. Avoiding the coughing fit that pulled at his lungs.

“You will.”

Four feathers lay unburned on the floor.

Destroying feathers wasn’t easy. It wasn’t fun. Once removed they weren’t your soul anymore. They were snapshots of your heart at the moment they fell. Burning them still hurt.

Jace, he knew, kept his in a locked box hidden under his bed under a pile of folded spare blankets.

Some winged Nephilim shed more than others. Nothing to be ashamed of, they’d lied. He saw the look in their eyes when he’d filled the first box as a child. Whenever they scattered at his feet.

“Maryse I am trying to help.” He teacher offered against his Mother’s anger. “Someone who feels this deeply,” He felt her hands ghosting over the assortment of feathers he’d dropped. The broken skin of his knuckles throbbing in time. “Can’t work on the front lines. He’ll get himself or someone else killed. It would destroy him.”

Izzy leaned into his side as they waited. Listening. He wanted to wrap a wing around her. He didn’t.

“He will adapt. He will accept the consequences. Stop telling us how to raise our son and tell us what his punishment is.”

She hesitated. The pit in his stomach grew larger. Izzy’s hand gripped his sleeve tighter.

“The clave would recommend he be separated from the people who caused the event.”

“You want us to separate our children?” Robert asked.

“No. I want you to put him on a track that keeps him off the front. He’s a brilliant young man. He could safely become an engineer or-“

“He wants to be the head of the institute. If he hasn’t served he can’t be.”

“Is it? Or is that what _you_ want?”

He stood. Opened the door.

“It’s what I want.” Izzy grabbed his shirt and begged him not to do this. “I accept the punishment.”

They looked at him. Izzy crying out her objections. The sadness in his Father’s eyes.

The pride in his Mother’s.

“How long?” Izzy objected as they readied his things. “When can he come home?”

“I don’t know dear.” Robert consoled. Holding her.

He watched impassively. Made sure his spine was set. Hands clasped behind him firmly so he wouldn’t reach out for her.

When he arrived the first thing they taught him was how to burn them. Burn each overwhelming moment of love he’d felt. Until the love there was just an emptiness in his chest.

They’d tried to make him shed all of them. So his wings would disappear. They grew back too quickly no matter how many times they tried.

So they settled for burning. Each and every feather that fell.

It left him hollow. Broken. In tears.

Izzy ran her hand over the feather he’d hidden under her pillow and around the world he felt it.

After a year they finally let him go home.

A test. To see if he’d grown distant enough from her.

He kept his face impassive when she ran over and hugged him. Returned a perfunctory squeeze.

No feathers fell.

A week later she finally managed to sneak into his room.

He wrapped her in his wings and apologized.

He could never be that affectionate little boy again.

When he was strong enough to send her away he burned every last feather he’d shed.

It hurt. But it was the only way. He knew he couldn’t have what he wanted. This pain was just the consequence of his weakness.

He locked his door when they made it back to the institute. The miasma of Valak still eating at his throat despite the healing rune he’d applied. His head still light and dizzy from it.

He held the first feather up and burned it. Wishing Jace would come to the door and stop him. Coughing as it lit.

He didn’t come and by the time the tear tracks had dried and it was almost easy to reduce the rest to ash.

“I think its back at the loft. Let’s go get it!”

The box sounded like a lead. But. “Absolutely not. Not without permission.” He raised the staff again, ignoring her eye roll and frustrated huff. “Again.”

They worked through the motions. “Jace said if I wanted to learn how to use my wings you’d have to train me.” She tried instead.

“Focus on leaning to fight without them.” He knocked her off her feet once more. “Lower your center next time.” He directed as he helped her up. His throat and chest hurt still but unless she landed a powerful hit he’d be fine.

“But what’s the point in having wings if I can’t use them?” She said, accepting his hand. “Shouldn’t this be like shadowhunter 101 or something?”

“There’s only a dozen shadowhunters in this institute that even have them.” And of them he was the only one trained to use them. “It’s not practical.” He swept the staff from her hands. “They make us targets. Nothing more. Keep them Runed.”

Izzy had applied the Rune to her back as soon as they’d realized. When whatever magic Magnus had used to hide them began to fail revealing her wings- the purest of white. Just like Jace’s.

“Targets? Why?” She caught it when he struck but he redirected her motion. Flipping her. His chest twinged painfully.

“If you’re going to grab it then do it like this.” He demonstrated. She watched and nodded. He let her try it slowly once before going full speed. She was at very least a quick study. “Good. How’d the first devil come to being?”

“An angel fell from heaven?”

He nodded. “Facilis Descensus Averni.” The decent into hell is easy. “Winged Nephilim that fall always become greater demons. Makes Winged Nephilim targets. Keep them hidden.”

“Greater demons- like Valak?”

“Yes. Like Valak.” But not necessarily Valak.

“Then. Why were you trained to use them?”

_Because I couldn’t be rid of them. Because I couldn’t control them. Because I felt too deeply to have any other option than to make them an advantage. It was the only way I could ever see Izzy again. Have a chance to be the head of the institute._

“I wasn’t. I learned.” Feathers burning. His phone rang. “Just.” He raised a finger asking for a minute as he stepped away.

“Hello? Who is this?”

“Alexander. Hi. It’s Magnus.”

“Take what you need.” He told Magnus. The angelic power guided from the core of his soul and the base of his wings and he let it go freely.

“You know I have magic for that right?”

He glanced over from the bloodied couch, two brown feathers jammed in the back of his pocket.

Just a result of the amount of power Magnus had drawn from him. Nothing more.

“I think you’ve exerted yourself enough for one day.”

“Drink break?”

He stood with a small sigh and accepted the drink.

“To us.” Magnus toasted. He sipped the drink and tried not to make a face at the taste.

He failed. It burned down his still raw throat. He tasted copper on the back of his tongue.

“Why did you ask for me, when Jace and Clary were both here?”

It didn’t make sense. While he couldn’t accurately judge the difference in their power the colors of their wings - white to his mottled brown- was more than enough to establish the difference in them.

If pure power was what he needed, Jace or Clary were far better choices.

Yet Magnus had asked for him.

“Hm, Jace didn’t tell you?” Magnus turned from him to the balcony. “Doesn’t matter. It was a lie anyway.”

It still hurt to breathe. He didn’t have another Iratze in him tonight. “Are warlocks always this cryptic?”

“I’m not being cryptic. I’m being coy.” Magnus turned back to him. “Let me spell it out to you. I wanted to see you again.”

That.

Didn’t make any sense.

“Why?”

“Why’d you come?”

He had answers and none of them fit quite right. So he settled on a shake of his head and the honest reply, “I’m not sure.” He made sure not to breathe deeply or he’d start coughing again. Aggravated by the long day. The short breaths did nothing to calm his heart.

“For almost a century I’ve closed myself off to feeling anything for anyone- man or woman. You’ve unlocked something in me.”

He could find no response but the dangerous thrill of his wings calling him closer that he allowed no name for.

The phone rang.

“Stay for just one more drink and then decide?”

The feathers in his back pocket sang. He needed to leave. To burn them. To get away from the man that had caused them to fall at all.

He reached out and took the drink all the same.

The couch was comfortable. Better than it looked.

He chased the taste of blood down with the burn of liquor. All too soon the beauty of Magnus’ face disappeared into darkness.

“Alec.” Someone was shaking him gently. He barely heard it over the heaving coughing he couldn’t suppress. His throat lanced with pain as he coughed every lesion open.

He couldn’t breathe. Not between the coughing.

He couldn’t breathe. Not with the liquid pooling in his lungs.

He couldn’t breathe. The world was filling black around him.

He couldn’t breathe.

He couldn’t breathe.

Warmth. Soothing. He gasped and the darkness receded just a smidge.

Magic.

“Alec this damage- why didn’t you say anything? What demon attacked you?” He gasped. Heaving air into his burning lungs.

Darkness stopped creeping at the edge of his vision. “I’m fine. Valak just-“ The coughing resumed.

“Valak? I checked Izzy and Clary and they were fine- Your feathers didn’t burn. You shouldn’t have.”

Magnus stopped. He worked through another coughing fit.

“They didn’t protect you.”

Why would they?

“Oh Alexander.”

There was the safe warmth of Magnus. Of his magic. Wrapping around his own.

He wondered if that’s what it felt like to tucked into someone’s wings.

“You’re more than just a pretty face aren’t you?” Magnus observed as he shoved on his jacket.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You shared your strength with me to help your _friend._ Protected all of us from Valak. It’s rare to find a shadowhunter with such an. Open heart.”

“I trust you. I don’t know why. But I do.”

It scared him. Because trust. Instinctive trust. That was only for pairs.

The Clave would overlook many things. His love of family- well that was only proper, honorable even. His love for Jace- acceptable because it was his parabatai. They fought better together.

They wouldn’t overlook pairs. Not for someone like him.

And a warlock? A man? He’d work in Antarctica the rest of his miserable life if he was lucky.

“What time is it? I need to get back to the institute.”

He couldn’t leave fast enough. Fought the pull on his spine, his heart, his stomach that urged him to stay.

He loved pancakes and waffles.

His throat didn’t ache, he realized when he arrived at the institute. He hadn’t checked to see if he’d dropped anymore feathers in the night. But he felt no hands ghosting over his heart. So he counted himself safe.

He closed his door. Held the two feathers in his hand to burn.

His hands shook.

_I know I can’t have what I want._ He reminded himself. _I know._

But it was just two feathers. Jace had a box full.

They felt like Magnus. Like Magnus’ magic reaching out for him. Weaving with him. Like Magnus in his arms. Smelling so pleasant.

He could keep two. No one would know.

He could keep two.

“Trust makes you do strange things.”

“I thought the feathers that protected us from Valak were Jace’s. That yours was the one that burned.” She stood in his doorway. “But Jace said I had it backwards. Didn’t I?”

He didn’t look up from his paperwork. “Yes.”

“You protected me.”

Of course he had. Why wouldn’t he? It didn’t make them friends. “Get to the point.”

“Teach me. Please Alec. I want to be able to protect the people I care about!” She’d moved. Smacked her hands onto his desk for emphasis, he assumed.

He looked at her. Every bone felt weary. “Fine.” He agreed because it was the only way she’d leave. “But you’re not a ranged fighter so don’t expect much.”

He could hit a bullseye while flying. Could kill a demon with a feather. Could slow a demon’s venom with his embrace. Those were the only reasons they’d even considered letting him onto the front lines. Because he might be an _Archer_ one day.

He could also settle a teething toddler. Soothe the most painful of Izzy’s breakups. Calm Jace’s fiercest nightmares.

Or he used to be able to.

But no one cared much for those skills anyway.

“Thank you Alec. You won’t regret this.”

“Doubt that. Close the door on your way out.”

He looked up from the punching bag. “Magnus.”

He shook himself a little, looking up from his chest. “Okay. I’m back.”

He walked past him. Heading for his jacket.

His wings weren’t exposed but the rune on his spine was not one he cared to show off. Especially given how it threated to fail around Magnus. Emotions overwhelming his control.

“Oh you don’t have to get dressed up for me.” He protested as he pulled the jacket on. “Fine but I like what I saw. I have the preliminary autopsy findings.”

“Why are you giving these to me?” He asked as he took it. “These should go to the head of the institute.” Tossed it on the bench.

“And it is.”

“I’m not. And I never will be.” It wasn’t even because of his wings. His failing heart. “Magnus it’s like my whole life has been a lie. And everything I’ve ever known is…”

“Is not what you thought.”

“I’ve done everything for my parents. For the Clave and. I- I’ve done everything they’ve asked.”

He’d burned so many feathers. Kept himself from loving too fully. And still he would never have what he wanted. What he’d given it all up for.

“Maybe you should start living for yourself. Do what’s in your heart.”

His family was everything. He’d lost count years ago on how many he’d shed for them. How many he’d burned.

It was simple. Like burning a feather. It would hurt and then it would be done.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this but. I think your right.”

The right thing. It was simple.

It just hurt like hell.

"We should go tonight!" Izzy decided. "It's been way too long since we had an evening off!"

"She can't." He stated as he cut up another pancake. Pancake day was the best. "Training."

They all groaned at him. "Alec you can do that any night. Come on."

"The weather's good tonight. Unless you want your first flight to be in a snow storm."

They stopped. Their table unnaturally still.

It restarted all at once with congratulations, excitement and shock.

"Really? I'm ready? I can start flying?"

She wasn't ready. But no one ever was.

"No. You can start falling in a controlled manner." He took a bite. Savoring it. "Probably."

"Alec." Jace cautioned. _I don't want her to get hurt._ He heard.

"Won't get better without experience." Couldn't fly without falling.

"When?" She asked. Her tense hands not overwhelming the excitement on her face.

The sun had set. She shivered in the tank top but Izzy had lent her long gloves at least.

"This rune will keep you from getting too hurt when you crash."

"Aren't you going to demonstrate or something?"

"Thought you preferred crash courses." The corner of his lips tugged up at her irritated expression. He unfurled his wings and looped the building quickly. Landing quietly by her side.

"Your turn."

"Ow." He landed next to her. "You made it look so easy." He pulled her up.

"Practice. Don't look down next time."

She drew an iratze for her skinned knees and arms as they climbed back up. "Is this really how you learned? Jumping off buildings until it worked?"

"No." Cliffs not buildings.

"So you’re teaching me the hard way?"

"I was self-taught and I didn't have a stele." He shoved open the door to the roof. "I'm happy to let you learn that way instead."

"You. Didn't have a stele?" She turned back to him. Horror etched into her face. "But when you fell- hurt yourself?"

He hadn’t been old enough. And they didn’t trusted the winged with them. A winged with a Stele could make it a very long way. Runaways were easier to find without them. "A consequence of failure."

"The more I learn about Shadowhunter culture the less I like."

"Go." He pushed her back towards the ledge.

Magnus reached out to his wounded arm. “Free of charge.”

“It’s okay.” He drew back. “I’m fine.”

“If anything were to happen to you-“

He cut him off. “Magnus. I’m good.”

It helped him focus. The pain in his arm was something real to focus on. It wasn’t like the rune on his spine that burned hot each time he thought of Magnus or the twist in his gut each time he thought about Lydia.

Pain was grounding. Pain never caused him to drop feathers. Pain was simple. Safe.

This was the right choice. It hurt but it was right.

Pain was just a consequence he had to deal with.

"How come no one else knows how to fly? Isn't it useful?"

She took another sip from the water bottle. Stretched her wings tiredly.

"There are others. I learned so I could join them." Or rather, so the Clave would think he would.

“Either Learn to control this," Boltan, his instructor, crushed the abundance of feathers he'd hidden in his closet in his hand. "Or you can kiss the front lines goodbye."

He couldn't. He could hide them. Burn them. Press down on the feelings that threatened to consume him. But they still broke through. He woke up each morning surrounded by them. Woke up missing Izzy, his friends, his parents.

"So you’re a part of this elite flying force?"

"No." He took a drink staring out over the city lights.

"Why not?"

The bottle crinkled in his hands. "They don't work in cities. Not enough room."

Range. Range and accuracy. Those had been his only chance. Be good enough the Clave would risk putting him in the field. Be good enough they thought he might join the Archers.

"You gave up being a part of this group because you didn't want to leave the city? Cause Alec I can't imagine a better shot than you."

Izzy’s face, year younger appeared in his mind. Begging him to stay. Begging him not to go. The office in the Institute. Then Jace. Max.

The future he knew he could never have. It had been the only way. This was the only way.

He caught the feathers that fell. Tucked them away before she could notice.

"Break time's over."

Magnus.

He couldn’t breathe.

“I thought we were doing the right thing but. This isn’t it.”

“You don’t have to explain.”

“Lydia I’m sorry.” He was. He was so sorry.

She cupped his jaw. “You deserve to be happy.” He wasn’t sure if that was true. “It’s okay. I’ll be fine.”

He turned. Faced Magnus. The rune on his spine burned.

He didn’t know what he deserved. He wasn’t sure that mattered. He just knew what he wanted.

“Alec.” Maryse protested.

He would accept the consequences.

“Enough.”

He kissed him.

And then he kissed him again.

Feathers fell and he let them.

“Clary asked me why you didn’t join the Archers.”

“What’d you tell her?”

“You told me they’d rejected you.” Her face hardened. “Which I know was a lie.”

It was. Even after all these years every few months one of them would reach out and offer him a position in the flock. He wasn’t surprised she’d heard.

“And then you said you hated the countryside.” She crossed the room to him. “Which I believed until we had that outdoor survival training. You were so happy out there.”

Flying without the constant restriction of buildings in the clean air. Where his lungs didn’t burn from soaring over traffic jams. “The mosquitos were pretty bad.” He reminded her.

Her hands collided with the desk. “But you refused them because I asked you to. Didn’t you?”

He looked up at her placidly. “No. I never intended to join.”

She drew back slightly. “What? It was your dream for years Alec!”

He’d said it was. It wasn’t a bad dream either. The Archer’s loved fiercely and they were allowed it. A deficit permitted by their overwhelming skill. He’d been tempted many a time.

“I learned to fly like an Archer because it was the only way they’d let me go home Izzy.”

He wondered if she remembered the year they’d spent apart. She’d been young. Maybe she didn’t remember the months when his place at the table was empty.

It had been an eternity for him. Of missing and longing and burning himself alive so that maybe. Maybe. He could see them again. Come home to his little sister. To proud parents. Not a failure. So that maybe he could sit in this room and fill out paperwork.

“Besides. You and Jace can’t fly.” He reached out and squeezed her into his side. “Three go in.”

“Three come out.”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“How were you so sure? That I felt the same way?”

“What makes you so certain I did?” He tugged on his ear.

“I was that obvious huh?”

“No.” Magnus turned to him. His lips drew together into a thin line. “But I did receive a few tells.” He moved past him into his workshop. Ducking out a moment later with a box. “I hope you don’t mind that I kept them.”

He stood, crossed the room and peered inside.

Feathers. Mottled brown.

“Every time you visit you leave a few.”

He picked one up. The moment returning in a painfully brilliant flash. It’s feeling filling his chest.

He smiled. “I thought you smelled nice.” He offered it to Magnus. “Wanna feel?”

“Alec I’ve never.” He knew he’d never touched them. Not directly at least. He’d have felt it. “You don’t have to. I know feathers are deeply personal.”

“I know. I want you to.”

Magnus studied him. Concern etched into his features. He reached out and brushed a finger on it.

He felt the distant ghost of it as Magnus gasped. Pulling back.

“Alexander that was.” He struggled with words.

“Nothing like touching the real thing. Or so Izzy claims.” He set the feather back into the box. “These are just memories.” Set the box on the end table. “It’s more when it’s straight from the source.”

Magnus didn’t look away from him. He wondered if he could as he stepped closer.

“Wanna try?”

His eyes widened. Mangus's hands pressed into his chest. “Maybe we just start with the feathers first.”

He frowned at the request. He wanted to wrap Magnus in his wings and hold him to his chest.

“Alright.” He agreed. “We can start there.”

“Alec if I’d been able to use my feathers as weapons then maybe-“

Maybe she wouldn’t have almost gotten raped by Iris Rose’s demon.

He didn’t understand how she could stand to look at him. After what he did. What he almost let happen to her.

“Alec come on!” She jogged after him. “Jace said you once killed eight Shax demons using just your feathers. You can’t tell me that wouldn’t be useful to learn!”

He remembered a Shax demon. Izzy. Barely twelve dying in his arms. Demon venom bursting her veins.

Jace screaming against the onslaught. Izzy in his arms.

His wings wrapping around her.

Feathers falling. Falling far too fast.

Demons screaming. Jace winning. Izzy. Dying.

Carrying her. The failure of a big brother that couldn’t protect her on mission. Jace. Leading him forward. A failure of a parabatia that hadn’t even help him fight.

The doctors rushed her to infirmary. Already so cold in his arms.

They sat and waited. Waited. Waited.

The doctor came out.

“You three are very lucky. She’s recovering well.”

If he broke down crying he’d never be allowed to work again.

Jace held him. Sobbed for him. He held back just as tightly.

“It was a much less severe case of demonic poisoning than we anticipated based on the size of the wound thankfully.” He looked up from his notepad. “Oh.”

They glanced over to him.

“You carried her back in your wings, is that right Mr. Lightwood?”

Jace nodded for him. He hadn’t had the strength to hide them away. Had clung to Jace with them since they’d arrived.

“You probably saved her life then.”

“Yeah he did.” Jace said. “Killed half a dozen demons with his feathers alone!”

“When can we see her?” He said instead of arguing.

“Soon.” He’d promised.

The hallway was empty. He stopped. “How many feathers have you shed?” It was a terrible and impolite question but he doubted she knew that or cared.

She blushed. So maybe Jace or Izzy had explained it to her.

“You could try and wrap your wings around an enemy. Burn them directly with your angelic power. But physical injuries to wings take a long time to heal and,” He fixed her with his most serious of stares. “If they get infected with demonic energy you might fall. Become a greater demon.”

She stood straighter. Face paled.

He reached into the pocket where he shoved the day’s collection of feathers.

“Shed feathers can be used to hurt demons. Even kill them. Since they’re disconnected from you using them doesn’t put you at risk.” For anything other than pain when they burned.

He pulled out the large handful he’d shed today. “So how many have you shed?”

She stared at them. At the variety of size and shape.

“How do I shed them?” She asked instead.

He grit his teeth. Jace or Izzy could explain. It didn’t have to be him. He didn’t have to be the one to explain his weakness.

But he owed her.

For everything he’d done.

“They’ll fall when your heart overwhelms your power.” He grimaced. “When your emotions are more powerful than your angelic strength.”

He’d weaponized his love to be allowed on the front. It was the benefit of being weaker than Jace who’d only shed a few feathers in all the years they’d known each other.

“But I’ve never shed any.” She whispered.

“Then,” He thought of the pure white of her wings. Shoved his feathers in his pocket. “That says something about how powerful you are.”

She searched his face. He turned, catching two guilty feathers as they fell, and continued down the hall.

“Magnus.” He reached out. Cupped his face. Stared into his golden gorgeous eyes. “They’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.”

By the time they’d finished the bed was covered in feathers.

“Does it hurt?” Magnus asked, not moving to help, as he collected the pile.

“Shedding? Not anymore.”

“Anymore?”

“It never hurt.” He corrected. Magnus rubbed his shoulder. Rubbed over the rune on his spine that twisted over his shoulder blades. He almost let it fail. “Just what I had to do after did.”

“After?”

He pushed the words out. “Burn them.”

He heard the tiny but sharp inhale. “Alec _Valak_ couldn’t burn your feathers.”

“Its something they teach to Nephilim who,” _Feel_ he thought, “Shed.” He said instead. “Too much.”

“Alexander.” Magnus pressed against his back. Wrapped him in his arms. “Please don’t burn them.”

“I won’t. I don’t want to.” Magnus’ cheek was warm against the rune. “Do you want to see them?”

He tensed against his back. “You don’t have to Alec-“ He started.

He turned. Faced him. Looked into his beautiful eyes. “I know. I want to.”

He nodded, almost timidly, as he leaned back against the headboard.

He closed his eyes and let the rune fail.

Magnus gasped. He forced his eyes back open.

“They’re not white but.”

“Alexander. They’re beautiful.”

For the first time in more than a decade he honestly believe that was true.

She banked sharply. Far sharper than he could manage.

His were built for distance. For soaring. Hers for fluttering.

His feet collided with the side of the building and he ran up the surface onto the rooftop.

“I won!” She huffed. Breathing heavy. “Does. That mean.” She tried to catch her breath. Her mobility came at a cost. It was far harder for her to stay aloft. “You’ll teach me how to fight?”

“Did you pick up a ranged weapon recently?”

She glared at him. They both knew she hadn’t. He looked out over the city instead of her.

“Then I can’t help you. Arial close combat isn’t something I’ve ever gotten to work on.” Archery could be done alone. Swords needed a partner and he’d never had one that could actually fly. Besides. “If your teammates are grounded they’ll just make you a bigger target. Stick to strength runes if you want to fly in combat.”

She huffed but surprisingly didn’t object. “What about the feathers then? If I can figure out how to shed some then I could use them too!”

He nodded although if she hadn’t shed them already then he suspected the only thing that could overwhelm her was the other half of her pair.

“They’re concentrated angelic energy. In a pinch you might be able to hurt a demon with one.”

“Like your feather hurt Valak.” He nodded.

Her brow furrowed. “If Jace is more powerful than you why did his feather burn but yours didn’t?”

He frowned. Water bottle crinkling in his hand. _I thought it was because you two were a pair. And he didn’t know you well enough for your feather to have any real substance._

“I don’t know.” Because if that wasn’t the answer then he had no idea what was.

He sprang from the rooftop, heading back to the institute.

“Hey you guys.” Max.

He was so much bigger than last time.

“Hey, buddy! How are you doing?” He brushed the length of his hair with a hand. It was all he could do without risking shedding in the Ops room.

“Max! I missed you so much!” Izzy pulled him into a hug.

After work he’d make sure to give him the biggest hug.

“You’re so handsome.” He was. He was growing up so fast. “What are you doing here?”

“Alec.” His mother’s voice. “Isabelle.”

They both stepped back from Max and assumed parade rest.

“It’s good to see you both.” She said.

“Izzy.” He warned.

“Really? Because last time you were here you turned your back on all of us. Especially Jace.”

He didn’t argue. He felt the same.

“I was following orders. I had no choice.”

How similar those words felt. But now they rang hollow.

_You always have a choice Mother._

“Max has some big news.”

“Max is going to have his Rune ceremony.” He told her, looking out over the east river. It felt a little like boasting. But Max deserved to be boasted about.

“Really? Congrats!” She beamed at him. “What’s a Rune ceremony?”

He huffed a quick laugh. Of course she didn’t know. Sometimes he forgot how new this all was to her.

“It’s a rite of passage. When a Nephilim completes their training they recite an oath” He lifted his arm to show his angelic mark. “And are formally given their Angelic rune. Becoming a full-fledged shadowhunter.”

She stared at it. His mark.

“For most shadowhunters it’s their first Rune.” A boat slowly motored under the bridge. “But clearly you’re no good at following tradition.”

“Well that’s because a lot of your traditions suck.” She elbowed him. “So when do I get a Rune Ceremony?” His gut twisted. He tugged down his sleeve.

Her Mother would never attend her Rune Ceremony.

Because of him.

“When you complete your training.”

The wind atop the Brooklyn Bridge blew away the feathers of guilt. But it didn’t ease them.

“This was a good pick.” He admitted. He’d never have stopped to rest here. He’d never had someone to fly with before. Except when the Archers were trying to recruit him. But he’d known they’d never be his flock.

“Yeah. Simon’s going to be so jealous. Straight out of Spiderman.”

He groaned. “Do not start talking about the vampire.”

“You talk to me about Magnus!”

“Because you ask.” He motioned to her whole mess. “I want nothing to do with that.”

She glared at him. His couldn’t stop the quirked smile.

“Just for that I’m taking us through time square.”

She pushed off the suspension tower before he could object about the air pollution. 

He flew after her.

“Alec… I don’t want to fight with you.” Maryse stood. Approaching. “This dinner, it should be about family. Our family.”

“What family? You wanted Jace dead.”

He felt his anger fall to the floor. His fury over her betrayal.

“I was following orders.” She grit out.

“You keep saying that. After a while it loses its meaning.”

He knew she saw them. Collecting at their feet.

She sighed. “You’re right. Of course we’ll be there.” Turned back to the desk. “Thank you for going to all this trouble for us.”

He leaned in. “Thank Magnus.” He ordered.

He left every feather scattered on the floor.

“Are you leaving?”

Clary turned to him. “I have to. Seeing you here, drink in hand, all smiles.” She advanced on him. He stepped back. “It makes me sick.” She spat out.

“What are you talking about?” He asked. Knowing exactly what she was talking about.

“I’m talking about you killing my mom.”

He had no words for her.

He turned. Fled.

Left a feathered trail of guilt behind him.

She chased him to the rooftop.

“You’re a murderer, Alec.”

The traffic moved slowly below them.

“Nothing more.”

Feathers collected and swirled around the balcony.

“Why are you still here?”

She was better than him. Her feathers weren’t filling the rooftop after all. She had the power to back up her heart.

“All those times you told me I wasn’t a good Shadowhunter.”

“I know. I know you wish I was dead instead of Jocelyn.” He admitted.

“You let a demon possess you?” She kicked at his weakness spilled across the balcony. Tried to crush them under her heel.

Falling had always been easy.

“You’re weak.”

Landing was the hard part.

“Nobody’s gonna miss you.”

So really this wouldn’t be hard.

“The guilt must be eating you alive.”

He turned to her. Wings locked away in promise.

“Murderer.” She said once more.

He leaned back and let go.

“Alec. Whatever you hear me say when you were under the spell. You have to know I don’t blame you for my mom.”

Truth or not he didn’t know if he could believe her. Didn’t know how to.

“I don’t.” She insisted.

He gave her shoulder a soft squeeze. Offered a small smile.

But he would try.

He swept up behind Jace as he and Mother pulled apart. Catching the single white feather that had fallen from him and slipping it into Jace’s back pocket for him. _I don't regret taking you in for one second_ With it he forgave her. At least in part.

“Max says that you and Dad have been fighting. About me and Magnus.”

“Max doesn’t have any idea what’s going on between your father and me.”

“Then what is it?”

She hesitated. “I didn’t want to burden you all.” She breathed in heavily. Her eyes moist and her face pained.

“Is Dad cheating on you?”

Her face fell. Cracked.

“Bastard.” Jace said.

She sniffled and wiped her eye. “You can’t tell Isabelle. She worships Robert.” He didn’t want to lie to Izzy. “I can bear it, but it would destroy her.”

He couldn’t pull his wings out in this jacket.

He stepped forward and held her all the same. Trying to push warmth and comfort and love into his embrace. Into her as she sobbed.

To wrap her in his love as she used to do to him.

“Come stay with us. You and Max. You don’t have to go back to Idris or Dad.”

“Oh… I wish I could stay.” His heart ached. “More than anything.” She pulled away. “But I have to get back to the Clave.”

“Why? Let Robert take care of that.”

“Everything’s different now because of Clary and the sword.” She stood proud. “I can’t let my problems interfere with my duty. Not now.”

He could say nothing. He understood as much as he hated that he did.

But he tucked three feathers into her bag before she left. His righteous anger at Dad. How much he believed she deserved better. Love. Pure and unwavering.

He hoped she kept those instead of the ones he’d scattered on the office floor.

“Magnus did you keep the feathers I dropped during the party?” Magnus probably had a way of destroying them if he needed to. But he doubted he had.

His lips thinned into a line. Side eying him. “Why do you want them?”

“So I can burn them.” He answered honestly.

He inhaled sharply. “No.” Turned from him. “I won’t give them back so you can hurt yourself Alec.”

“That’s not.” He sighed. “They’re feeling of guilt and sadness Magnus destroying them would be a relief.”

Magnus didn’t appear to believe him. “This isn’t a punishment?”

“No.” He assured.

He summoned one. “Prove it?”

“Don’t you trust me?” He quirked a smile taking it between his fingers.

_No one is going to miss you._

He looked into Magnus’s eyes and it burst into flames.

He smiled warm and sappy at him. “See? Nothing to it.” He leaned in for a kiss. “It was just the magic.”

“I know but Alec.” He pushed back after a too quick peck. “Alec nothing was as devastating as seeing you standing on that ledge.”

He grimaced. “Magnus I would never-“

“I know, I know. But magic can’t create fears, only bring them out.”

“Magnus.”

“Look you don’t have to explain yourself. I’ve been through it myself.” The rune on his spine burned as his wings fought to escape. To hold Magnus. He didn’t let them. Even as Magnus’s throat worked painfully. "Just promise you’ll tell me if things ever get that bad.”

Clary and Jace rushed in before he had a chance to respond.

The soul sword. Activated.

Fear mounded around his feet.

Magnus.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Magnus?” He sat heavy on the couch as Magnus moved around the apartment. He made a questioning noise. “Can I hold you?”

The memory of how close he’d been to losing Magnus still swirled in his chest.

Magnus smiled. Crossed the space and let him pull him into his arms.

Sandalwood filled his nose and he held him tighter to his chest.

Magnus gasped.

He pulled back. “Angel- I - I’m- Sorry” He stuttered. The rune had collapsed. He’d just been so terrified and exhausted and.

And the span of the room was filled with the arch of his wings.

Magnus stepped forward clutching his arm. “No they’re beautiful Alec. I was just surprised. You’ve never pulled them out so suddenly.”

His cheeks burned. “I didn’t mean to its just. Hard to control myself around you.”

Magnus smiled coyly at him. The glamour on his eyes dropping revealing the liquid gold beneath. “I have a similar problem.”

He leaned down and kissed him. Because there was no other option.

Magnus’s hands tangled in his hair but he pulled back regretfully.

“I can’t reapply the rune myself.” He’d have to go back to this institute. Find Jace or Izzy or Clary.

“I can portal you back when we’re done.” He assured. Missing the point.

He folded them in as close as he could. “No – I know that. But if we keep going they’ll definitely end up touching you.”

Magnus frowned before covering it. Pulling back. Eyes brown. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“That’s not it.” He caught his elbow halting his retreat. “I want to wrap you up in them.” He’d wanted to for a while now. “But you wanted to wait.”

His eyes widened. He made a tiny step forward. Searching him. “Are you sure?”

He couldn’t help flexing them excitedly. “Yes.”

A manicured hand hesitantly reached over his shoulder and a single finger stroked the curve of it where it had torn through the back of his shirt.

Magnus inhaled sharply. Glamour flickering. Withdrew just a fraction to study him.

“Magnus.” He smiled. Heart and wings warm and aching for a moment- a lifetime- more.

His hand returned. Stroking them reverently.

He wrapped his arms around Magnus and tucked into the crook of his shoulder.

“I wondered if touching them directly might be dangerous. They are pure angelic power after all.” His voice quaked just slightly.

“Never. They would never hurt you.” His wings wrapped around them. Encompassing Magnus in him. “I love you.”

His hands gripped his shirt tightly. Tearing the ruined fabric a little more. “Yes.” He choked out. “You certainly do.”

He raised his head to look at Magnus but he buried his head in his shoulder instead. “Magnus?”

“Don’t.” He sniffled. A concerning noise.

He pulled his wings back slightly. “We can stop- I know they’re a lot.”

“No. I want to stay right here.”

He could help beaming or the feathers that piled on the floor. He cradled Magnus in his wings. The warmth of Magnus’s magic embracing his.

“Good. Because I don’t want to let go.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Sorry it only goes to the halfway point in the show. :p. (also i wrote the Izzy addiction scenes but they don't resolve til after so i took them out. Hope no one's too offended.)  
> This was already pushing 7k and was like. Hm. Do I want to commit to rewatching the whole show for this fic? Maybe. But the soul sword activating feels like the midway point to me and I thought that wasn't a bad way to end it. Maybe someday I'll add a second chapter with the second half of the show! But for now I hope you enjoyed!


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